This is the personal blog of Adam J. Schirling, the founder and editor-in-chief of Drunken Absurdity, a revolutionary ezine. For the best in alternative literature, poetry, art, movies and more go to www.drunkenabsurdity.com. This blog is strictly for my personal rants, some dirty pics, and the occasional cool story or sweet tunes.

strange rumblings on the horizon

>> Tuesday, July 5, 2011

things have grown weird. I look into the mirror lately, and I find myself having a difficult time recognizing the face that stares back at me. Jesus fuck, what happened. In just a few short years how did i transform into this disgusting apparition, this ridiculous parody of my former self.

A job, a major part of who I was, is ending, and it leaves me feeling mixed emotions. Sure in the 8 years of doing this, I have only truly enjoyed 2 of them, but the HOPE was always present, always lingering right past my fingers, of all glories and tribulations that I craved. Now they have been snatched away from me, stolen by a thief in the night. Who is to blame? Myself, most likely, for letting so many others have an influence over my actions. But I can never admit this. It is easier to turn my hatred and scorn on a cold universe populated with the pond scum that is fellow humans.

So, now what?? A dauting task lays ahead of me, that of becoming a normal person. And I don't put much hope in my victory. The thought of getting a job sickens me to my very core, makes me dizzy with hate and fear. the thought of staying in this disgusting hell of a state/region makes me boil with fury directed at a certain hipster cunt.

Almost everything I wanted in my life is either dead or dying, and that is a shit hand of cards, but there it is. Few things keep me sane, or at least stable enough not to drown myself in a shallow bathtub. My children. The love of a crazy woman. the sweet kiss of good scotch. but not hope, no hope has died a bloody and violent death, raped and bludgeoned by those I would have trusted the most. it's purely survial now, purely a desperate struggle to distract myself from the darkness closing in on all sides.

I wish I could meet the me from a few years ago. I would embrace him warmly as an old friend, and whisper warnings in his ear about what was to come. Maybe he would have the strength to do what I know needs to be done, because I do not.

i no longer feel like a man drowning, but a man who has already drowned. I drift along the ocean bottom, trying to avoid being eaten by the shark who is tracking me so coldly and calculating.

2 comments:

VL Sheridan July 5, 2011 at 11:25 AM  

Being reborn is a painful process Dearest. You can do it.

JessRaquel July 5, 2011 at 6:45 PM  

Adam I truly believe that you will end up doing whatever it is that you're meant to do. Don't stress out too much, something awesome is bound to happen. =)

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New England, United States
Freelance writer and poet. Founder and Editor in Chief of Drunken Absurdity. President of Drunken Absurdity LLC

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