A New Years Eve Message from you dear ole' Uncle Adam

Well, it is that time of the year again. The time we reflect on the past year, and turn hopeful eyes to the calendar, with grand aspirations of the upcoming year. We vow to be better people, to lose weight, to care more for the needy and disabled, to read more books, to finally profess our love to that one special someone who doesn't care we exist...Ahhh, a truly beautiful time of year.

Who the fuck are you people kidding. You will go to the gym for about the next 3 weeks before you remember you hated working out, and it's back to the buffet for you. Donating a couple old shirts to Salvation Army is not caring for the poor. And that bitch/asshole doesn't know you exist for a reason: You probably suck.

According to conspiracy theorists who don't know how to pick up a fucking book, the world will end next December. Let's just pray that those morons who give true paranoid skeptics a bad name will just off themselves the night before the alleged Armageddon.

So, we have determined you a lying ass for your list of retarded cliche resolutions. But do not despair! Your humble writer, Adam the Schirling, will share with you the key to making this New Years one to remember:

DO EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT.

Let me repeat that.

DO WHATEVER YOU FUCKING WANT

Make this final day of the year, the day that you redeem yourself for your past 364 days of being a wussy cog in the wheel of life. You ever have sex with a hooker guys? Then go do it. You ever give a blowjob to a random stranger at the movies girls? Then go do it. Ever done drugs? Try them. Ever drink for breakfast? Fucking do it! Abstained from tattoos fearing job-search consequences? GET A FUCKING TATTOO.

Let's face it, Monday morning most of you people will go back to being your boring law-abiding selves. Not Today. Today is the day you throw all caution to the wind, and do all those dirty, dangerous, crazy things that are brewing deep deep down in your heart. Fuck the consequences. Consequences are for people that give a shit, and today YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT!

So, go bungee jumping, rent a Ferrari and take it out on the open freeway with a song blaring and a glove compartment full of blow. Flip off that annoying neighbor, take a piss in the street, pierce your nipples, break that stupid vase on the bookshelf, and try blow fish sushi.

You have between right this moment and midnight to make all your nasty urges a reality. Embrace life. Embrace the absolute absurdity of the human experiment. And be exactly who you really are, without a concern for parents, employers, vanilla friends, and security guards.

Happy Fucking New Years to you all. I will see you on the flip side, with not only a hangover and a sheepish grin, but a mischievous twinkle in the eye.

Your friend,

Adam Schirling

Editor in Chief

Drunken Absurdity