strange rumblings on the horizon

things have grown weird. I look into the mirror lately, and I find myself having a difficult time recognizing the face that stares back at me. Jesus fuck, what happened. In just a few short years how did i transform into this disgusting apparition, this ridiculous parody of my former self.

A job, a major part of who I was, is ending, and it leaves me feeling mixed emotions. Sure in the 8 years of doing this, I have only truly enjoyed 2 of them, but the HOPE was always present, always lingering right past my fingers, of all glories and tribulations that I craved. Now they have been snatched away from me, stolen by a thief in the night. Who is to blame? Myself, most likely, for letting so many others have an influence over my actions. But I can never admit this. It is easier to turn my hatred and scorn on a cold universe populated with the pond scum that is fellow humans.

So, now what?? A dauting task lays ahead of me, that of becoming a normal person. And I don't put much hope in my victory. The thought of getting a job sickens me to my very core, makes me dizzy with hate and fear. the thought of staying in this disgusting hell of a state/region makes me boil with fury directed at a certain hipster cunt.

Almost everything I wanted in my life is either dead or dying, and that is a shit hand of cards, but there it is. Few things keep me sane, or at least stable enough not to drown myself in a shallow bathtub. My children. The love of a crazy woman. the sweet kiss of good scotch. but not hope, no hope has died a bloody and violent death, raped and bludgeoned by those I would have trusted the most. it's purely survial now, purely a desperate struggle to distract myself from the darkness closing in on all sides.

I wish I could meet the me from a few years ago. I would embrace him warmly as an old friend, and whisper warnings in his ear about what was to come. Maybe he would have the strength to do what I know needs to be done, because I do not.

i no longer feel like a man drowning, but a man who has already drowned. I drift along the ocean bottom, trying to avoid being eaten by the shark who is tracking me so coldly and calculating.